Thursday, February 5, 2009

The etiquette of moving house.

I would like to outline the rough guide to moving house and keeping your friends. Moving house is one of the most awful things people regularly do. It is traumatic, annoying and emotional. People don't think quite right when they are moving house, and it is a wonderful revealer of character.

Moving house is so awful, it is covered by businesses. Business is the art of doing something awful well enough that people will part with money to avoid doing it themselves. Governement is the art of doing something awful well enough that a whole country will give you a quarter of their money so they don't have to do it.

Moving house etiquette is complex because there is an exact dollar amount avaialable to compare your actions against, and so you have to balance this quotable amount against the social goodwill you have generated. I'll put it in local terms - moving one person from one sharehouse to another - to avoid hiring two guys with a truck for about $500, you rope in your friends and their vehicles. Then people hook in, and hopefully your house is empty and you only have some light cleaning to do before you get full bond back.

Putting everything in the boxes is a complete nightmare, stuff has to be done according to a complex formula that only the person can know, based on usage, next time required, and fragility. To get professionals takes the price up to around $2000. Suck it up. Do it yourself, or throw everything out. If you are looking at your stuff and going 'How can I move this' you have too much stuff.

When everything is boxed: There are now too categories - normal, and fragile. Anything that is fragile, you move and pack yourself. Friends will drop stuff, and they will smack boxes into walls. They are not professionals, and they are doing stuff they loathe as well. If something is fragile and precious, you need to move it yourself.

During the move: Make sure you have enough cold drinks relative to the weather. Make sure evryone around has spacial awareneness. Idiots who don't have the sense to get out of the way of someone moving furntiture needs to be beaten out of they way with a large stick.

After the move: The beer. any mistakes are made here. Making someone move your furniture, and then offering them light beer is social suicide. Is it a hanging offence? I believe so. It shows so little respect for the effort made, and it proves the light beer weilder to consider your efforts so insignificant, retaliation and retribution is completely justified. the next question is - how much beer? There are several ways to go. In this modern day, you can be responsible, and share a couple of beers to stay legal to drive - but then you should poliely insist that the friends each take the remaining fourbie home. The other is to lay in the slab and organise driving the now drunkards home.

I'm sure there are more points - please add your personal and regional variations on custom.

Inspired by snowangel's recent post


Guru Bob said...

I am also a fan of the post-move pizza pigout...

uamada said...

Oh i have some more sir...
Make sure all the stuff that needs to be in boxes is in boxes before anybody gets there. Tape all the boxes twice. Tell your freinds which boxes require the incredible hulk to move. MMake sure the Washing machine is unplugged and the hoses emptied. put Everything in your fridge in shopping bags so when it comes time to move it, all you have to do is grab the food out.
On the day put as much stuff as you can move yourself on the front lawn or in your garage. That means that they spend as little time doing the task as possible
.... i have moved too many times

Nautilus said...

If someone helps you move a fridge, you are obligated to return the favour whenever asked and they are exempted from ever having to help you move again.

There is no excuse for warm beer post move.

Flinthart said...

I'm trying to forget all that shit. I plan on dying in this fucking house. If I ever get around to dying... can't do it right now. I haven't got time.

Hey, somebody tell me something: why the fuck is there a little wheel-chair symbol next to the... oh. Wait. I geddit. It's their for... yeah, blind people, because it points to an audio captcha.


Anonymous said...

In the midst of a move now, such fun.

Chaz said...

Mate, the words 'never again' spring to mind. In future all house moves will involve me spending some money and use a professional moving compnay.